The days go fast, and it's like walking on hot coals. Anxiety makes me turn over in bed in the darkness. I get up, get ready and not wait to leave home. I can not wait to be working, because travel is a growing fear. I get in the car with the usual beaten face, I'll sentence alone. I feel my eyes down, I see my actions are always the same. Childbirth and turn on the phone. There comes a message that I have not read the previous evening. I do not answer, I'll do it quietly. Meanwhile, turn on the radio. Also the usual chatter. A routine that I would like to reassure me. Look at mobile phone display. E 'off. Fear is one that lights up, which is the usual employee who called to update the difficulties for crearmene, to warn of a new forward, usually the problem. Twenty-three kilometers as well, including a look at the phone and a watch, because now I know it's easier when it gets that damn phone call. The increasingly palpable anxiety, the stomach is closed, and I also pray that this day passes, which come in the evening. Arrive in Este and seeking parking, no matter near or far, is the least of my problems. Another positive note is that now I'm going for the usual breakfast bar. It 's a short time, but nice, I see people, the usual bartenders who know me, I smile at them in I think that everything can be light. The phone is always in my pocket and I hope I do not ruin this time period. The range is finished, start the morning which is actually already up for at least three hours. I pull out the computer, boot, turn on the lights, the usual lack of control needed results of the previous evening. And I start work? No.
Simply comedian to bear. I begin to pass the hours. I answer the phone, I talk to people who enter. I do not work, proceed on the clock, I watch all the time, the fear of bad call, the postman bringing recommended. Everything, every problem is a burden that lies on the shoulders. I can not squotermi and proceeds to do all the lobotomized brain, which does not suggest. Anything can be a distraction, until it reaches the phone call that slaps me. Or call me alarmed. I shake up to bring a black sense of my situation. The heart is quick to make me feel his excitement. Start the panic attack. Cold sweat, vomiting load, more frequent and less controllable, there is only fear. After a while I slowly calm the crying. Call a friend. He does what he can. I feel that I want so much and why I cry even more. I am a poor fool. A bumbling incompetent who is no longer able even to open an envelope with fear. Crying stuns me. Calms me down. Mi stanca talmente da non lasciarmi nemmeno la forza di pensare. Nella contingenza cerco di rattoppare i problemi, con sempre maggiore difficoltà.
Arriva l'ora di chiusura mattutina. Mi chiudo nello sbaguzzino. Come un barbone nei bagni di una stazione ferroviaria. Apro la mia brandina. Ho preso la pastiglietta rosa che mi aiuta a rilassarmi. Sistemo il cuscino, mi metto il piumino e mi ci accoccolo sopra. Sono li solo, chiuso nel semibuio, a cavallo tra un bagno ed uno sgabuzzino pieno di cianfrusaglie. Guardo tutto dal basso. Mi stringo e chiudo gli occchi. Ho spento il telefono, staccato il fax, chiuso la porta. Il mondo è fuori e nessuno può raggiungermi. La pastiglietta fa il suo dovere e cado in un sonno pesante e senza dreams.
Awakening is often rough, but the afternoon is easier. I'm not alone. The evening is closer, the evening is an oasis where I can breathe, where I can control anxiety. I would not ever end, I would not ever come forward to going to bed.
In all this there are people who love me, but I constantly feel alone. I always feel the desire for someone to hold me tight, that will have some good words for me. Like pleasure, because I can not find satisfaction. Yes, like me, I have no problem to know new people. It 's always nice because for those two hours I can not hear myself in the morning, I do not remember either. I enjoy being nice and bright. Appearance? I do not know, I do not pretend. I say and do what I feel. I am not a liar. I just try to live as much as possible in the space that I leave this evening.
The question is. use the people I know? Me I always do. The only thing that keeps me from thinking this is that I live honestly and fully engaged in this knowledge. I wish I wish you well. I ask too much? Sure. I may want to know who knows me, who has a past with me, not who has seen three photos on a site. I wish people would approach me without fear, but I know that I absolutely have to change, solve my problems, make a clean sweep of all the dissatisfaction che ho nei miei confronti e della mia situazione. Solo allora la sincerità con la quale mi rapporto con gli altri sarà sufficiente.
Nel frattempo grazie a chi mi vuole bene, a chi capisce come sono, a chi trova in me quello che mi fa commuovere.
0 comments:
Post a Comment